Day 4

my siblings.

Nicholas Fan- My brother. Last time I saw you, i was in elementary school, and now. You don't understand how much that kills me. There isn't a single day of the year that passes that I don't think about you. There isn't a single birthday candle that has been blown out, that I don't wish to see you again. I remember being little, and forcing dad to show me the picture of you in his wallet. I remember becoming the happiest girl alive when someone would tell me "you look so much like your brother Nicholas."  I remember laying down next to Andyroo, and begging him to take me to see you. But I can't remember a single memory that I have with you. Not a single one. I couldn't count the amount of tears that have fallen from my eyes because I miss you so much. I've beaten myself up, so terribly. It took me so long before I realized that I wasn't the reason you're not around anymore. I've devoted so much of my time wondering what you're like. Wondering what it would be like if you were in my life. When I see papa talking about you, I can see how much he hurts. But, I don't think anyone hurts more than me. For some reason, I won't let this go. I won't let myslef live my life without you in it. I feel like, there's always a part of me missing. A part of me that I don't know. I'm sick and tired of crying, and wishing, and wondering. I've made promise after promise of seeing you, and I intend to do just that. You're my brother, and I love you more than anything. I'll see you soon.love you.